Metal Fans Stunned By Dixie Chicks’ Grammy Wins
LOS ANGELES – In an unprecedented complete sweep on Sunday night, the Dixie Chicks won Grammy Awards in every category: even ones for which they were not nominated. Natalie Maines, a member of the now-legendary group, gushed, “I’m just so thrilled that we won in every category! I am especially proud of my Best Polka Album and Best Tejano Album, because I figured the others were pretty much shoo-ins and we had some stiff competition in these categories. Whoo-hoo!” Blade Stone, a fan of the metal band Mastodon, said through tears that, “I was so stoked for Mastodon’s after-win-party, and then…” He was unable to finish his thought. Officials remain silent on the logistics of how this occurred, commenting only to say, “The Dixie Chicks are the absolute best in music today, and we feel they deserve to be rewarded.”
Astronaut Love Triangle Expands into Octagon
HOUSTON – Federal Bureau of Investigation officials released information today speculating that the recent love triangle involving NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak may in fact be an octagon. “We are unable to release the names of other individuals involved, pending notification of their families,” says FBI district official Carter Wetherby IV. “However, sources tell us that Nowak was planning on making five other stops before her final destination, and we believe there may have been other motivation besides changing her diaper.” NASA refused to comment further on the incident. Attendees at a recent dinner benefit for Nowak also had nothing to say.
Retail Clerks Grateful to American Public for Poll Results
WASHINGTON – Retail clerks nationwide are smiling today, after the results of an AP poll stating that the majority of the American public oppose trading in the dollar bill for a dollar coin. Gertie Hansenbaum, manager of a local 7-11, states, “I cannot imagine the amount of extra training I would have to give my employees in order to make such a change. Plus there’s the cost of all new cash registers: a dollar coin just can’t go in a bill slot. Thank goodness the government is going to listen to the people.” A Federal Reserve employee, who wished to remain anonymous, commented after hearing the poll results, “Like we care. I mean…” and ran into the closest men’s room. Cash register makers, meanwhile, are devastated by the news that they will not have to push a new design into production. The popularity of the new coins remains to be seen.